On Friday, July 26th, 2019, I turned twenty-two years old.
I have a lot of feelings about this birthday. Not bad or good or indifferent, just feelings. I also have a lot of aspirations for this upcoming year. So, I figured, why not write about it so that I can share what I’ve learned, gained, and gone through during the many high and lows of my 21st year. I want to put my intentions for this next year out into the world to keep myself accountable. I also just think it is important to share my struggles, triumphs, & feelings because I might just be surprised as to who is feeling the exact same way.
I love and loathe this current period in my life. I feel stuck, due to my fifth year, but also realize how incredible it is that I get another year to build my interests, learn new things, and figure out where I want to be in a year from now. As many have told me, I have to truly cherish this time because it is a period in my life that, for lack of a better word, I can be selfish. I am not talking textbook definition selfish AKA “(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.” I am talking the good kind of selfish. Stick with me here. This period of “good selfishness” is a time to learn how to take care of yourself, love yourself, and nurture yourself. It is a time to make your mental health a priority, dig into new interests, practice self-care, and develop habits that will mold you into the brightest and best version of yourself. No one understands your wants and needs like you do. No one can make the change in your life to get you off you a$$ better than you can. I know what you’re thinking; Mads, please get off your millennial high-horse and bring it down to real-life-real-people terms. So, here it is. You cannot be good to others unless you are first good to yourself.
I never truly understood this concept until, for once in my life, I listened to myself. I sat down, and I thought about and wrote about what in my life truly made me happy. I wrote about places I would like to see, new skills I would like to learn, and fields/professions I could see myself in. Then, I started acting. This summer alone, I have shadowed an eating disorder RD (registered dietitian), an out-patient Radiation-Oncology RD, a gastro-intestinal RD, an ICU RD, and an RD that transformed her passions into a string of successful buttercream-based bakeries. On top of that, I interned for a sustainable urban rooftop farm (who seeks to diminish inequality in access to fresh food in the STL-area) and assisted in the kitchen of a newly-founded meal-prep company (that’s mission is to create food that is flavor-ful, health-ful, and actually makes you, full). I also worked nights as Quality Assurance Tech in the Radiation-Oncology Department of Washington University in STL. And let me remind me you, that was just in the past 3 months.
A wholeeeee lotta living took place prior to that. My 21st year of life was a real whirlwind.
I finished up my last year of college volleyball, landed my first couple part-time jobs, did a marketing & events coordination work-study for a local non-profit, traveled to Los Angeles for the Rose Bowl and Amsterdam for spring break, ran a half-marathon, started a blog (lol), watched my roommates and best friends move out of our college house, saw my boy graduate, ate A LOT of really, really good food, and well yaknow, did that whole school thing. This year felt like a never-ending reel of new beginnings and bittersweet ends.
I keep trying to figure out how I feel about it all, but it is truly, truly too hard to put into words. So of course, because I am me, I am going to try anyway. Since Fall semester of 2018, right before my senior season of volleyball started, my goals and work ethic have seemed to be driven by my intrinsic need to catch-up/get ahead. Despite my deep understanding of the unattainability of this venture, I keep chugging along. I feel foggy, focused, unsure, excited, devastated, emotional, and child-like all at once. I just feel freaking weird. Deep, I know. 22 is an interesting place to be, and I am working, constantly, to be okay with where I am, literally and figuratively. I did a lot this summer, probably too much, because I feel like I am so far behind compared to my peers. I have stayed as busy as possible to avoid having to truly reflect and dive into how different things will feel and be once I return to school. This was a transformative year. With a volleyball-less summer and all the free-time in the world, I became a bit obsessed with figuring out the answer to my least favorite question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” My persistence to find an answer led me to try and do things so far outside my comfort zone I could have screamed, but like, in a good way. I said yes more, and I actually stuck to the intentions I set for myself. I never passed on any opportunities that came my way because I knew that action was better than stagnancy. While my anxiety, tendency towards pessimistic thoughts, perfectionism, and overall scatter-brained behaviors are still very much so there, I have finally become conscious of them. I have found better ways of coping with my stress, or at least I think I have. (I see you their self-doubt!!)
Ok, but back to the point of this whole rant. Through all of the muddy and murky and scary, I did finally sorta-kinda get an answer to the age-old question of what I would like to be. As this summer of endless shadowing, interning, and exploration comes to an end, I do know one thing for sure. I like to do a lot of varied things and that is A-OK. At this point in my life, I do not think I have a “calling”, or that one perfect gig that fits all my needs and checks all the boxes. I will always have a deep yearning to see & do & learn more, which means, I will never ever settle. It just is not in me. And this is all more-than-ok.
I do however, have a lot of other things going for me. I have an area(s) of interest i.e. dietetics, nutrition, fitness, cooking, baking, writing, photography, etc. I have drive. I will never be out-worked. If I am going to do something, I am going to do it well and with passion. And, I have heaps of support. A very real fear of mine is that I will never be as successful as the many great women in my life. In my eyes, they are these strong, bright, and beautiful beams of light who get what they want and always overcome, no matter the obstacle. As I have slowly started to realize, I think they see me in the same way. As my mom has reminded me time and time again, I will never really be alone. I will always have a place to stay, and I will be fully supported in whatever adventure I take on. I am so loved, by so many. Despite the simplicity of these few points, they are very hard for me to process and accept. I want everyone to be happy, taken care of, and feel at ease. I never want to be a burden, in anyway, to the people I love. As stupid as it sounds, I really just want everyone to be happy.
As I so eloquently said before, 22 is an interesting place to just, be. Most of my fellow 20-something-year-old friends from college have moved on from undergraduate and are starting master’s programs, or their first career, or are somewhere in that mix. Some friends are getting married, moving away, and/or about to have a baby. Other friends even have kids, and a home, and a spouse already. And some friends are in a similar situation as myself, headed into their fifth (or sixth or seventh) year of college, feeling like they are in a bit of a limbo. It is a strange, uncomfortable, and wonderfully-exciting time in a young person’s life, and it blows my mind to see the incredibly varying journeys my peers are on as they tackle it. We are no longer babies, but we are not quite yet real-life adults. We have responsibilities and goals, but at the drop of a pin can change our path and life completely. How cool is that?
I feel full of wild aspirations, strong beliefs, newly-discovered interests, and a deeply-rooted desire to learn and do more. I think 22 will be an exciting year and a hard year, but honestly, just another year. It will end up being whatever I make of it. I will have great accomplishments & heart-breaking failures. I will laugh, and cry, and laugh some more. And I will continue to eat a lot and travel more because it is an important and integral part of who I am.
More than anything, I hope my 22nd year brings me comfort in the ok-ness of life. What an absolutely dreamy idea, to just be ok with who you are, where you are, and all the ups & downs of every single day. I sure do like the sound of that.
And Just in case you were curious, I will leave you my intentions for this rotation around the sun. I did my best to make them realistic, attainable, and beneficial.
- Journal Everyday.
- Start & Stick to Therapy.
- Continue to say YES more.
- Grow Mads Eatz.
- Read Everything and Anything.
- Be Present, in Mind and Body.
XOXO,
Mads
(PS: Enjoy this picture of my birthday cake from one of my favorite bakeries in STL, Pint Size. I choose a hummingbird cake with cream cheese frosting because I love dense-cake and it loves me back.)